The mere idea of confinement to me is a very scary thought. One, you have the conventional confinement from society of not being able to express yourself the way you want and live the way you want and yet, ultimately, it is you who lives your own life. The other kind of confinement is self confinement, which, in itself is a way of slowly killing yourself mentally and maybe even physically.
Let's talk about the conventional confinement for a moment. Every day we as humans feel confined one way or another. Whether it be our lives in general or by our jobs, relationships, society, religion, etc. Most of this occurs because we allow it to occur. Most people are non confrontational and at the risk of losing something substantial in their lives, they endure whatever they have to. That's usually because most people are comfortable with where they're at in their lives and the idea of change is not desirable. So, most of us are confined by society's standards and I can't tell you how many people admit in private their real dreams and goals. I used to be confused as to why I was always told that I was brave for going after what I want. Know why? I always assumed that that's what everyone did. It's something that comes completely natural to me so I just assumed that everyone did the same. People always thought I was crazy for moving out of state to Los Angeles and New York respectfully. It blew their minds that I would even leave the state of Texas and move to a completely different state. That's because most people can't even imagine doing that. They don't understand it, so they ridicule it as being irresponsible or being unprepared because, apparently, you're supposed to plan your life out like a fucking road trip. That also has a lot to do with being fiscally unstable. When you're financially stable, because you took a job off your beaten path, you get used to the idea of how that makes you feel and how it acclimates to your life so naturally you're not going to give that up for your dream that now seems foolish. You're not going to want to change anything when you've had the same routine for years. When you never had anything substantial to begin with, because you chose to stick to the path no matter what, it's a lot easier for you to accept change because your life constantly changes when you're not stable. You get used to it and so change is not a big deal to you. So now I know why people tell me that and respect me and ridicule me for that because they traded in their dreams for stability and I never did that. I've always went after my dreams and will continue to do so. Most of us humans are happy being society's pawn. Most of us don't want to ask questions or know the truth about anything because what we don't know won't bloody hurt us. That's is both understandable and ignorant, strike me dead for saying the latter.
There are so many lies, so many secrets that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Why is that, world? Why is so hard to be honest with, not only ourselves but, with everyone? Does the truth still exist? Will the truth be that which will always be suppressed until all we know is lies and deceit and we don't know who the hell we really are or where we really live? Am I the only one who is terrified of that? Self confinement could very well be the result of being the exception to the rule. There are so many ways to be self confined and depression is a big part of that. We live in a society of constant competition and you're either playing the game or you're not. Most of us play and those who don't play are in the minority and are considered different. It's very hard to admit that you have bouts of depression to anyone without feeling like they're never going to talk to you again. No one generally wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time. The thing is, for me personally, when I talk about my depression it helps me understand my psyche better. All my life I've been considered weird, different, awkward, not of the pack, etc. I've always felt that I could never fully connect with anyone else because I wasn't like everyone else. I really try to connect, but I find myself acting to fit in and it exhausts me. Not that I don't want to connect with anyone, I just question why I have to put on a dog and pony show for someone to feel like they can be around me. Am I the only one, world? I lied to myself about who I was for years and that was a big part of my problem.
So I resort to self confinement sporadically throughout the year. Mostly because of depression. It's a slippery slope because you start thinking about ALL the things that are wrong with you and you beat yourself up for a day or sometimes even longer. You hate yourself and you listen to melancholy music and try to understand why you aren't like most people. It's incredibly paralyzing. It's a self hating festival of epic proportions and it can cause you to disconnect from the human experience. It's paramount all over our globe and acts as a mental thief in the night. Once you're in that mindset, you're in it. It's a state of mind but the problem is you can't get out of it alone which is why you have people who ultimately kill themselves because they can't take the oppression, the hurt, the insignificance, the indifference, the ridicule, the embarrassment, etc. You confine yourself because you don't think you have what it takes to make it or to do anything. What makes you so special, you ask. You can confine yourself for a multitude of reasons and its a very sad thing that occurs. Why? You actually believe all the limiting things you say about yourself. You're emotionally cutting yourself with words. Words that the "other you" is saying to you.
You mostly feel alone and misunderstood and you're constantly clashing with people because you're in an emotional state of flux and sometimes you do things that hurt someone else's feelings. Not on purpose, it's just something you can't control and so you have people walking around hating you because you "did them wrong" which in turn induces more self hating because now you feel like a horrible person. Anything can set it off. Most of my life has been one big misunderstanding. People don't get me and it has caused me to be insecure for most of my life. However, do any one of use really get the other? I recently met someone who has moments of self confinement like me and we had a lot of the same reasons of why we get depressed. Mind you, I've talked to other people with depression and most of their problems are surface material. Nothing deep and layered. I was taken aback and was glad that there was someone else who had those similar feelings. Yet at the same time I questioned if I was latching on to someone else with the same issues because I was lonely and scared of the new transition I'm going through right now. Certainly that's not the case but sitting in your apartment all day cuts you off from the outside world and your mind creates these theories of how things work and most of the time it's complete paranoia. Who needs these thoughts?
Most of us are suppressed because of our situation in life. We can't do what we really want to do because we're lacking something that would enable us to do so. It's a really tough situation especially when it feels like there's no hope. It would seem to most of us that life is a continuous battle for happiness. Then you see how the other half lives and how 90 percent of their lives is happy and you wonder, how is it that they are happy and I'm not? Money is a big factor of happiness and people who have it generally aren't confined by a money driven world. They can do whatever they want and not be suppressed so of course they're going to be more happy than most. They are mostly suppressed in other ways, whether it's social status, tradition, etc. Those of us who don't have a pot to piss in are financially suppressed so our dreams and goals can't be realized until we achieve some sort of stability. However, the problem with us dreamers and progressive thinkers is that we don't want to be trapped in a cubicle or anything corporate to get that stability. We want to be able to be free. We want to be able to make money while going after what we want and most corporate jobs don't allow flexibility. They want us to be a cog in their machine and care about their goal for some sort of domination over another company or companies. Like I said...competition. Money isn't everything, however, but it is everything to those who don't have it or who never had it. There is so many of us who play the lottery in hopes that that one ticket could be our golden ticket to the chocolate factory, so to speak. I don't even have to say that money is evil. For the most part it is because that's one of the things that people WILL die for.
So I ask you, world, when will we break free from confinement of any kind. When will we stop accepting what society wants for us and do what we really want to do? When will we stop torturing ourselves over our self worth in this life? Is money the end all, be all of life? If we don't have it, are we not worth anything? Our minds can be our worst enemy or our best friends...it's up to us to defeat the foes of our minds and allow ourselves to be confident and free from self confinement. It's just too bad that saying it and doing it are two different things.
So, world, when do we stop fighting our lives and start living them?
Sincerely From A Pure Place,
Correy Amon
