The Forgiveness Of NYC

They say that a lot of people move to New York to be forgiven. I never understood what that meant for the longest time and I guess I was over thinking the statement because it's really quite simple. People, or I should say most people who are considered outcasts wherever they're from, migrate to either New York or Los Angeles to be forgiven for who they are as those are the two most liberal states in the United States. Most of us come from small towns or bad families so it's only natural for us to want to be somewhere where we are free, for the most part, to live our lives.

A lot of us, growing up, weren't popular or well liked because we were generally the ones who didn't say much and didn't follow the crowd, however, we secretly longed to be popular and well liked. High school is always the worst because those are very critical years. Anyone who survives high school deserves a fucking medal.

Here's the thing, we, the outcasts, spend our young years trying to fit in and be who we are and to be loved by others right? Well it confuses me that when we finally get to where we are accepted, we form the same exact "popular" group as was in high school and you basically become who you hated. It baffles me. Is that what we really want is to be the king and queen bee? Are we trying to relive our juvenile social status in our adult lives? Granted, you don't have to be friends with everybody but when someone kindly compliments you are says hi to you, you treat them like you were treated in high school by blowing them off or thinking you're better than them. New York is full of it and so is Los Angeles I have noticed.

It's really quite sad. You leave you're narrow minded surroundings to another more accepting city only to become what you hated in high school. No one realizes that they're doing that because social status is everything in both of these cities and it comes natural to people to "perform." I was one of those kids in high school, the social outcast. Everyone thought I was weird because I hardly ever talked. That's because when I did talk people would laugh because my voice is different. It's not like everyone else's. To this day I still have problems talking but fight through it. It happened EVERY single time I talked in school. When I opened my mouth, someone laughed. So I was trained not to talk. The thing is, I'm still that kid. I don't have the luxury of being of social status. I guess I lucked out again in my adult life. I say hi to people on Facebook or in person and I always get the shaft. I don't get it. I know you don't know me, but it's common courtesy to say hi back. I do it all the time. Maybe I'm the only one who still says hi to strangers out of kindness. People have this attitude in New York that if they don't know you, they won't talk to you. It's so high school.

Are they forgiven? Yes. Only now they are what they've always wanted to be. The jocks and the cheerleaders in high school. I guess I just wasn't meant to fit in anywhere. I'm my own social life. I don't understand what it is about me that turns people off. I'm a nice guy if you get to know me. Maybe that's the problem. People like to be around mean people I guess. Maybe there's still that kid inside me that wants to fit in but once again, isn't. It's amazing how the tables turn. Those who didn't have power, now have it, only I missed the memo and am reliving high school all over again in my adult life. I love the arts and I love the people who are associated with the arts because they're amazing people. Maybe I'm just not "deep" enough for them or something or I just don't "get it". What is there to get? I'm not down about it because I love being me and I have amazing friends. I just wish I could have more of a variety of friends and not feel like I have to impress you for you to talk to me.

Is that what you really wanted? To be loved and desired like your peers in school? If I'm not wearing designer duds does that make me an outcast? At this point, I'm going to do me and New York gives me the opportunity to do that regardless of the glitterati. Social status is a state of mind and most people feed off of it like the last loaf of bread. Name dropping and partying every chance they get. Not me. I don't have to say someone else's name to feel relevant. Just want people to realize that they are better than that. You may not think you're doing it but you are. Subconsciously you are. There's a part of you deep down inside. The little boy or girl in the back of the classroom that is loving that they are finally "popular". Whatever that means nowadays.

Live thirsty my friends...

Settling or Laziness?

Today I had a thought. I was sitting at work for training and the trainer had asked us to introduce ourselves to everyone and I was mortified. However, when I was listening to everyone's story and where they came from, I couldn't help but feel alienated. Was I the only one who had a dream of being bigger than this? Everyone had practical dreams of what they wanted to do and how far they wanted to go with the company and I was perplexed. Not because I think everyone should have the same dream I have, but because it just didn't seem like it was something they really wanted. I wondered...are we settling for life as it is or are we just too lazy to actually fight for what we want?

What We're Supposed To Do?

Dear World And Everyone In It,

Are there certain life goals that we should have? That we're supposed to meet? It seems like we're all in a rush to meet a certain goal in a certain amount of time doesn't it? It's always something. We can never be content can we?

Marriage is a HUGE thing isn't it? If you're a certain age and you're not married, then there's something wrong with you no? Me? Marriage is not something I don't know if I want. It seems that people are getting married for the wrong reasons only to be miserable for the rest of their lives. What are the wrong reasons? Loneliness, lust, possession of another, to prove you're straight, arrangement, profitable union, and the list goes on I'm sure. Then after a few years and you get older, the cheating begins because? You married for the wrong reason. I hear people as young as 18 wanting to get married and have a family. Are we being selfish? Are our desires, that would have to include other people, just to satisfy our own needs and wants? Women have this idea about the perfect wedding. Sometimes I think they want the wedding more than the man. Am I wrong?

We all want to achieve something by a certain time in our lives. We all feel entitled to have what we're supposed to have when life doesn't guarantee us anything. When we don't get what we expect, the world is over. Life shouldn't be about what you expect, it should be about living it the best way you can. Not to say that you can't have goals. You can have goals. Just don't put a deadline on it. Are we programmed from birth? Go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, and retire. How limiting is that? What's worse is there are people who will literally ask you, what's wrong with you if you don't have any of those things as if doing those things makes you acceptable or good on paper. As humans in this world we are constantly limiting ourselves with labels and expectations and the like. That's why depression is such a big issue in this world because people who don't have what society says they should have are down on themselves. Saying things like, "I should be married by now" or "I want to have a baby before I'm too old" or even "I have to travel the world before I'm 30". We're driving ourselves crazy every day because we expect so much so soon.

What are we supposed to do with ourselves? Do we have to do anything? Are we just racing against time? I need to know world....

We all need to know...

A Question Of Age

Dear World And Everyone In It,

Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly more aware of aging. Mostly because I'm nearing thirty. But there's something I really feel the need to discuss. I wonder, why are we all convinced that forty or even thirty is over the hill? Does society have us that warped? I can't tell the number or people that I know that are having meltdowns over being in their thirties and forties. They're spending so much time worrying about being an old man or woman that they miss out on the prime of their lives.

I have a friend who told me that he had a mental breakdown on his 30th birthday. That's the case for pretty much anyone who turns thirty it seems like. I think society has us fooled. I think we were made to believe that once we're thirty or forty, all of our best years are behind us and it's time to think about settling. That logic seems absurd when you're thirty compared to someone who is seventy or eighty. I'm not going to lie, I used to subscribe to that fear of aging and feeling old because I'm almost thirty. Most of that has to do with that fact that people joke around with me and tell me that I'm old. It's an entirely different thing for the gay community. Turning 3o means, you might as well be dead. I've learned that from a lot of my gay friends. I have a writer friend who constantly talks about his age and how he's getting old. He's 36, a baby compared to a seventy or even a fifty year old. In his status updates on Facebook, he refers to it as a looming death sentence. Not literal death, mind you, but death of a social life, death of attraction, death of companionship. One of the statements he made was, "this is the beginning of the end. knitting and recipe collecting is on the horizon." I thought that maybe that was a tad too dramatic for someone whose 36 years old but it's not his fault because, like us all, he has been conditioned. Conditioned to believe that life starts to slow down at 30 or that you're considered old. Old is 70, 80, and 90 years old. The time we spend complaining the years go by even faster.

Is it right for us to believe such a thing? Are our twenties the only years that matter? The only years that count? Is everything after that just filler? It's so incredibly limiting to me and it should be to the human race, but that is not the case. It's almost like a disease, it's everywhere and it causes people to be depressed. Depressed because they feel like they should've done more with their lives and now they can't do anything because they're almost 50 and they're too old. It's never too late. My mom, god bless her, she's 48 years old and she really feels that she wants to start singing again, which is something she did when she was in her twenties. She gave it up to raise two kids. Now that we're grown, she wants to return to her first love, singing. She expressed to me that she thinks that she's too old to return to it and who would pay attention to a 48 year old. I told her that Sade, the singer is 48 and she just came out with a new single. It is possible. Anything is possible. I can't tell you how many older people come to me with this very concern. It's like all confidence is lost after you turn thirty. We constantly think of our competition which is also a problem.

I also wonder does this issue limit us a a human race? Do we just give up and go through the motions of life at a certain point? Why is age such an issue?

Dear World,

Dear World,

Dear world and everyone in it, I have noticed that over the years you have tried to pass me by. I have noticed that you think I'm very strange and the way I think you might consider it to be wrong.

Dear world and everyone in it, from the moment I was born, I remember feeling different. I remember thinking I had a special kind of vision that allowed me to see things that you couldn't see. I don't think I ever felt the same as you felt and I'm not exactly angry about it. It just seems that's the way things are.

I have to admit that I have spent the majority of my life feeling confused, feeling alien and disconnected. Never quite getting things the way it seems everyone else gets them or understanding things exactly.

Dear World,

Dear world and everyone in it, it's hard to always laugh when you don't know what people find so funny.