The Breakup And The Turmoil

Dear World And Everyone In It,

Things are not always what people make them appear to be...so I guess i'm the bad guy in this story. It's fine, I'll let them have that and get support from friends because that's what friends are for in times like these. I know the truth and I didn't deserve the physical and verbal abuse that I got....so now I have to live with this turmoil of not only not being with the one I love, but also being falsely accused of deliberately doing something to cause pain to someone. If they only knew the real story...I just wish this had never happened but I honestly had no control over it and that's what hurts the most...

I didn't think that I would be so affected by this but it appears I am. I spent six months of my life loving someone, supporting someone, being there no matter what for someone. Even ignoring the red flags that were already there and that friends of theirs had warned me about from the jump. But I stayed anyway because I wanted to be that one person in their life that had faith in them and didn't treat them like shit. It was the one person that I actually saw a future with. I only had that once and I was cheated on. So you can imagine that after this time, my heart is closed at the moment. I was doing what I thought this person wanted and what we had talked about numerous times. Then to get cussed out and dumped, via text message, was incredibly heartbreaking and puzzling to me. Was I the only one who actually loved in this relationship? How is it that someone can throw six months of unconditional love away in a matter of seconds? Fear perhaps? Knowing that it was probably the anger talking, I asked them to think about it and call me later. I never got that call and I never heard from that person again. I was literally erased from their life within a day. I've never felt so discarded in my life and for what? A simple misunderstanding that could've easily been talked through.

Technically, I had probable cause to break up with them months before this occurred. I had been physically abused, unknowingly, by them when they were drunk and I had red marks to prove it. Not to mention being talked down to as well when they were under the influence. I took a licking and kept on ticking because I loved them so much. They didn't do these things on purpose, I should clarify. However, it was going on and when I finally confronted them about it I got "Well, you kinda should've told me about it earlier if it was a problem" It was only after I said I had marks on my body that I got an apology. The cherry on top of the sunday is when one of their friends tweeted me in response to one of my tweets saying that "perhaps you shouldn't have let them go". Oh really? So now I let THEM go? I was the one who broke up with them through text and disappeared off the face of the earth? That's brilliant. So now they're saving face. It's easy to play the victim and place blame on the other person. I don't expect any of their friends to believe anything I have to say, after all they're their friends. It's their job to support them through this. I just find it funny that they would, considering they would always point out that they were so mean and I was so nice. So I guess, being the nice one, I'm the one who just decided to break up with them on a whim. Hurting them and not caring about them when I was there for them EVERY step of the way. Every drunken breakdown they had, I was there. When they were sick, I was there. When they needed a back rub, I was there. I devoted so much of my time to them and to have it severed like that is more than my heart can take.

So now, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who hurt them so much. That day I had been called insane, among other things, all because I said that I figured out when I was going back to New York. A topic that I had mentioned when we met. A topic we had talked about in great detail more than once. A topic that they were very keen on and moving there with me. They went as far as to say that they would let me go back and look for a place and get settled for three months and they would join me because they wanted to support me because I wanted to support them. It was a mutual thing. So when I alerted them about, what I had thought would be a good thing, going back to NYC to put what we had talked about in motion...this is what I got verbatim...

Me: I'm moving back to NYC at the end of July.

Them: Okay. That sounds pretty decided. Thanks for the heads up, I guess.

Me: I miss you.

Them: Alright. I've had enough. You are so rude for texting me some shit like that while I was visiting my friend at rehab. We're done.

Me: What? What'd I do? I didn't know you were at rehab. I'm sorry I didn't realize that.

Them: What did you do?! Right after we get cool again you text that you're moving back to NYC in a month?! Are you fuckin' kiddin me!! Are you insane?!

Me: Why are you yelling at me? I had told you that I was planning on moving back ever since we first met. You knew that.

Them: That's enough. Stop trying to mindfuck me. You are so self-absorbed. What about all those bullshit plans we made? You're just leaving? Fuck you.

Me: First of all, I asked you plenty of times if you were ok with me moving to ny or la and you said you were cool with it and that you supported me and now you don't? I've been upfront with you about everything. How dare you call me self absorbed...I've done nothing but try to be there for YOU despite the fact that you push me away and do other things that I don't deserve.

Them: You said you would go for filming or for auditions. You DID NOT say you would just up and move there forever! WTF man! and via text! Really?

Me: Ok obviously I did something extremely bad and I didn't know it ok? That's no reason for you to curse me out and attack my character just because of one text. I've never cursed you out like this and I don't deserve to be talked to as such. I apologized for the text already but that doesn't seem to be enough for you.

Them: Um, no. Sorry for cursing but to give a 30 days notice that you're leaving after being together this long is not cool. and tha fact that you're so 'whatever' about it is incredible. Like you're not even aware that's it's hurtful is unbelievable.

Me: I am aware of it now and it's 60 days not 30. I was whatever about it because we had talked about this in the past more than once. Idk if you just don't remember or what. You specifically said you were fine with me moving somewhere and getting settled for three months and then you would join me. Those were your exact words. Now you explode on me and I'm confused an apologetic. Idk what's going on with you right now and to talk down to me like a piece of shit is the part I find incredible.

Them: We've talked about many things. Also that you didn't think NYC was even feasible. Come on, Correy, I didn't thinkg you meant in a month! I thought you'd get a job, we'd move in together, save money. I just can't up and move to NY. Especially not with the day to day expenses of rent here. Well I'm at work and I can't do this right now. But no this was not what I had in mind.

Me: For the second time it's two months and you can't fault me for something that we've talked about and and you "seemed" ok with. Fine...but i'm pretty upset about the way you talked to me today. I've been talked to that way in the past and I won't tolerate it. Whatever you wanna do but idk how much more I can take at this point. I'm tired of fighting with you.

Them: I'm tired of fighting too. I think we should call it quits.

Me: Well, idk about that but you should think about it and if you still feel the same way when you get off work then let me know.

Them: ok

I never heard from them again. So you can imagine how I feel right now. I feel confused and very hurt. Most of all, heartbroken. I still don't know what happened that day and why they were so incredibly angry about something that could've been talked about and sorted. Then after that, I had to hear through the grapevine that I'm the one who did them wrong? After all I've done for them. After enduring many drunken nights of trying to calm them down from an emotional high with no success a lot of the time. After being physically hurt. After letting them talk to me any kind of way when they were under the influence. Maybe that's my problem. I'm too available to people and I get my heart stomped on every time. I had to get this off my chest because it hurts me when I see that i'm the only one who seems to be affected by this. Perhaps they are too but I'll never know it because god forbid they are actually hurting too. To admit that, for them, would be a miracle. I was there when they told me they're most darkest secret and I wanted to be there for them. To help them. They would always push me away when it got too serious. See, they wanted to be a comedian. So when things got too deep, they would make a joke or drink. They finally pushed me away for good for whatever reason. I loved very much and even told my mom and my sister that. I've NEVER told anyone in my family that I was in love with someone. EVER. It was a big deal to me.

So, fear is the only thing that I can think of that could've made them dump me the way they did. Fear of losing me. What they should've realized after 6 months of being with me, is that I was in it for the long haul. I would've done whatever it took to work it out. I wasn't given that opportunity. So, what now? I don't know. What I do know is that after letting this all out, maybe I can finally get on with my life.

This thing called love is dangerous.

Tread Carefully

C

I'm Amazed

Dear World And Everyone In It,

This makes my heart SOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR....and to all those hateful comments underneath this video...whether out of spite or hatred...you hinder evolution...

The Bearable Lightness Of Being

Dear World And Everyone In It,

Recently I've gotten to a state of pure bliss within the possibilities of life. As confusing as that may sound it's exactly how I've been feeling. There's so much hunger and so much drive in me to experience all that life has to offer. After seeing the movie "Eat Pray Love" I've become more in tune with it. I was touched. Touched in a way that I had never been touched before. This happy existence of life feels like I'm a virgin being touched for the very first time. There's so many things in this life that we could easily get caught up in. Fuck that. There's always be one thing that I have been consistent with every since I was born. I was always me. I was never anyone else and I don't try to be nor want to be. Despite all the hell I went through growing up amongst my grade school peers I always stayed true to myself because deep down inside that shy exterior there was the man you see here today. The one who doesn't give a fuck and who does what he wants and goes after what he wants.

These little trivial things that we concern our lives with on a day to day basis is sucking the life out of us. We get stuck. We get bitter and we start forming our own ridiculous theories because we are in our own head and we become claustrophobic to the world outside. This new sense of being, this new sense of choosing to be happy makes the being..well...bearable. In the past I've let people define me. I've let people tell me who I was and who I wasn't. Truth be told, I'm glad that I had the past that I had. At this point, I honestly don't care who thinks badly of me or whatever because it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It never did. Life has a way of making us feel like we have to defend ourselves or we have to be a certain way. It has a way of trapping you. You can't let life control you, you have to take control of your own life and grab life by the fucking balls and say "HEY!"..."HEY!"

Always go after what YOU want...never let society or anyone make you feel foolish or crazy for dreaming. I did for a long time and now I'm taking it back. I know that sometimes the situations that we're in makes it hard to do what we really want to do but I say do the best you can and be the best you can. Always stay on your path even if you have to take a job to support you until you get your dream. Never lose hold of it for a day. Do something towards your dream every day no matter how small and it will add up one day and you WILL have it.

It's about knowing what you have to contribute and knowing what you have to offer and knowing that you have what it takes. I know all of those things about myself and there's nothing arrogant about it. It's about knowing what you can do and showing people what you can do.

It's also about having nothing but love for people regardless...

Life can be great if you let it

luv you all

C

Transition

This summer I had the privilege of learning a very HARD lesson.

I say that it was a privilege because, despite everything bad that occurred, it was the single most eye opening experience of my life to date. It took me a long time to see that it was a privilege though and most of that has to do with the fact that my life is in a state of transition. When you're going through a transition in your life and you're in uncharted waters and you don't know what the hell is coming next, you're basically in a grey area and you're at your most unstable. Therefore, you're bound to be, GASP, unsure of your life and confused and perhaps emotional because you don't know what your life is at that moment so you're vulnerable to any sort of person, place, or perhaps thing that comes into your life.

I think everyone goes through a transition in their late twenties and I'm certainly no exception. You're going into another decade so it's only natural for you to be in that area of "what happens next". There are different periods in your life where these transitions will occur and most of them are on the eve of another decade of your life. However, it is virtually impossible for anyone who is yet to hit where you are or who has already past you to fully understand YOUR journey. They will try and they WILL fail as I have learned very brutally this summer. I have had a lot of experience with people who are older than me because I used to think that I had more in common with them because I have an old soul. I think that people who are older are fascinating because they've already been through a few transitions in their lives so they already know how THEY want to live their lives and how they view the world because they have more experience behind them. The advantage to that is, there are certain things in life that they can give you advice on because there are those things that happen in our lives that are universal and advice from anyone can help you. The disadvantage is, they feel because they are older, that us young people are stupid and don't know anything about life and they know everything and they're always right and we are always wrong because we're inexperienced. It's a huge pet peeve of mine because I really feel that no matter how old you are, you are always learning and there are still things that a 50 year old doesn't know that a 20 or 30 year old would know. I've even been called stupid, among other things, that I didn't deserve. I've been verbally abused very harshly by older people more than I'd like to admit and it has taught me a hard lesson that I'm very thankful for. Words are very powerful and if you heard some of the things that were said to me, because of a slight misunderstanding, you would really wonder how I got through it. It's really quite funny when two unstable people are at each others throats. That's never a good thing. When there are two people who are going through a transition at the same time, not one is going to understand what the other is going through and you shouldn't expect it. I've been accused of SO many things this summer that, even despite my oath of emancipating myself from drama, made me cry because I felt like the most horrible person on the planet. I felt like I had to explain myself to people...BIG MISTAKE. I was sucked into the drama because I felt like I had to defend the accusations that were being thrown at me...BIG MISTAKE. You can't reason with people who already have their minds made up about who you are. It's a bloody dead end and you'll be stuck there...FOREVER. You know what's funny is when they don't even know you well enough to make a character assault on you.

I've been accused of being selfish, of wanting what I want and not caring about anyone else, "acting" emotional, being dramatic, being vindictive, posting subliminal hurtful Facebook status updates (seriously?) etc. I've been called stupid, lazy, and a liar and the list does not end there. That's the PG version. Mind you, I only made matters worse when I was trying to defend myself against these accusations and that's how the drama seeped back into my life. I was SO mad at myself after it was all said and done. This is where the transition comes in. I've spent most of my life doing for others and not doing for myself. I gave and gave and gave and that's why I haven't gotten anywhere in my life because I was spending too much time doing what others wanted me to do and I was more than happy to oblige because I truly love giving. When I moved to New York, I thought to myself, I finally get to do something for myself. So when I got called selfish this summer by a few people it really hurt my heart because I don't have a selfish bone in my body. It seriously made me question who I was because I figured if three people tell me that then it must be true. If there was any trace of selfishness, it was coming from me wanting to finally do for myself after ALL these years. I moved to New York for me, not anyone else and I thought to myself recently that I know who I am and I don't need these people telling me who I am because they don't know me. They think they do but they don't. Now, riddle me this, if someone calls you asking if a Facebook status is about them, when clearly it isn't, aren't you making that about you? Isn't that selfish? I'm not gonna lie, there have been times when I was VERY upset with someone and I tweeted about it but I never named names and it was never direct. I own up to that. It's Facebook people...it doesn't mean anything and it really bothers me that people take status updates SO seriously. I made a HUGE mistake in letting those hurtful words in and define me. It was oppression at it's finest because I was being talked down to like a piece of trash. Being judged with words is not fun and I don't wish that on anybody. It's a very hurtful thing to do to someone because you never know if that person is stable enough to handle it. Then when someone kills themselves they want to be sorry after you basically pushed them off a cliff with your evil and hurtful words. I just don't understand how anyone can say all of those things about me. I'm not that guy. I was raised to treat people with respect. I'm not in the business of oppression.

The thing is, we all think differently and we have different ways of doing things. When you're in transition, you tend to be a little selfish because you really want your life in order. It has nothing to do with anyone, but people have the tendency to make it about them when you mean no harm nor ill will. I made it a point this summer to balance the two. I told myself that I would try to cater to others while catering to myself but it blew up in my face I think. I can't win for losing it seems. That's the thing, when you're unstable there's no possible way you can accommodate anyone else in your life and you have to focus on YOU and you only. I had people this summer make me feel bad about wanting that. In transition you're going to hurt people without meaning to. It amazes me how you can meet someone who is the kindest person you've ever met and in the blink of an eye can turn into a mean selfish person and then treat you like complete shit, like you're not even a person. Those people would probably read this and think I'm playing the victim right now. Let them think that, after all, I'm such a bad person. I learned a lesson and I'm not going to let them have the last word on who I am. This isn't a slander piece. I'm not naming names. That's sloppy to me. This is what I've learned and I've learned that I can't keep worrying about what people think of me. I've done nothing but try to be civil and try to ease things but it's like these people want a fight and they keep pushing my buttons and then I give them just want they want by acting a damn fool and stooping to their level. One of the most common things is the "remember what you said" game. I have the memory of an elephant. Anyone will tell you. People in my family often use me as a point of reference for a lot of things. Especially with movies, names of actors, directors, etc. I retain information in my brain and it stays there. I was a spelling bee champ. I'm a great test taker. That's why I was such a great personal assistant. So, when older people who think I'm stupid say to me that they didn't say something when I know for a fact that they did it's frustrating. I always remember what people say to me. ALWAYS. So I get into it with them about that. NO MORE. As long as I keep suppressing myself on the basis of other people, then I will never move forward in my life. It used to bother me senseless that there were ever people out in the world who were walking around hating me and telling people about this guy who "did them wrong" when clearly it was the other way around. I'm not in the business of screwing people over...it's a waste of time. I have a life to live and since my mind wasn't fully in the game this summer...I struck out because I was distracted with dramatic bullshit.

I can't please everyone and Lord knows this summer I kept trying to do that because I was basically defending my character all summer to people and it has drained me so much that I don't have it in me to fight anymore. I just want to move on with my life. I don't care about all of that trivial bullshit. I don't like being accused. I HATE it. The idea of someone saying things about me that are not true send me off the deep end. I get angry and I wanna defend myself and prove to them that it's not me. I really have to have self control about it now because I always have this need to defend myself when it's not even worth it. I learned that the other night when I was defending myself to my mom about the smallest thing. My mom told me that it was fine and that it wasn't a big deal and then that's when I had an "a ha" moment so to speak. I caught myself being a defense attorney. I have to stop doing that because it only makes the hole bigger. I can't prove anything to anyone, it's useless. I'm not perfect and I'm certainly not trying to be. I'm gonna own up to the fact that I don't have my shit together. Yeah, some consider this late in the game when most people my age or younger are already in their careers and doing well for themselves and I'm still figuring it out. I can't be ashamed about that anymore. I can't compare myself to other people anymore. I'm Correy and I'm going through a change in my life right now.

Being in transition means that you have to really focus on yourself because if you let someone come in and distract you, you'll fuck it up and you'll spend the next decade in the same place you were because you never moved on. You're gonna be accused of things and you're gonna be considered a fuck up because you don't have your life together "like everybody else". Some of us have to learn lessons like this in order for us to become better people and I'm glad that it's happening now while I'm unstable and vulnerable. You can't explain who you are when you're going through a life change. If you try you'll just look like a fool and I looked like a huge fucking fool this summer. I indulged in drama and it's my own fault. All I can do now is have self control and watch who I let into my life from now on.

So I urge all of you to do the same, if you haven't already. I still have mad respect and love for those people who are no longer in my life and this isn't one of those "I wish them the best" phony speeches. I really do hope they will prosper in their lives because no matter what happened between us, at one point we were great friends and we had good times and for that I'm thankful for. For so long I have indulged in this "I have to defend myself" shit and FINALLY I learned a lesson that made me sit the fuck down and shut my mouth. Say what you want...I know who I am and I am who I am...

luv u

C

Confinement

DEAR WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT,

The mere idea of confinement to me is a very scary thought. One, you have the conventional confinement from society of not being able to express yourself the way you want and live the way you want and yet, ultimately, it is you who lives your own life. The other kind of confinement is self confinement, which, in itself is a way of slowly killing yourself mentally and maybe even physically.

Let's talk about the conventional confinement for a moment. Every day we as humans feel confined one way or another. Whether it be our lives in general or by our jobs, relationships, society, religion, etc. Most of this occurs because we allow it to occur. Most people are non confrontational and at the risk of losing something substantial in their lives, they endure whatever they have to. That's usually because most people are comfortable with where they're at in their lives and the idea of change is not desirable. So, most of us are confined by society's standards and I can't tell you how many people admit in private their real dreams and goals. I used to be confused as to why I was always told that I was brave for going after what I want. Know why? I always assumed that that's what everyone did. It's something that comes completely natural to me so I just assumed that everyone did the same. People always thought I was crazy for moving out of state to Los Angeles and New York respectfully. It blew their minds that I would even leave the state of Texas and move to a completely different state. That's because most people can't even imagine doing that. They don't understand it, so they ridicule it as being irresponsible or being unprepared because, apparently, you're supposed to plan your life out like a fucking road trip. That also has a lot to do with being fiscally unstable. When you're financially stable, because you took a job off your beaten path, you get used to the idea of how that makes you feel and how it acclimates to your life so naturally you're not going to give that up for your dream that now seems foolish. You're not going to want to change anything when you've had the same routine for years. When you never had anything substantial to begin with, because you chose to stick to the path no matter what, it's a lot easier for you to accept change because your life constantly changes when you're not stable. You get used to it and so change is not a big deal to you. So now I know why people tell me that and respect me and ridicule me for that because they traded in their dreams for stability and I never did that. I've always went after my dreams and will continue to do so. Most of us humans are happy being society's pawn. Most of us don't want to ask questions or know the truth about anything because what we don't know won't bloody hurt us. That's is both understandable and ignorant, strike me dead for saying the latter.

There are so many lies, so many secrets that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Why is that, world? Why is so hard to be honest with, not only ourselves but, with everyone? Does the truth still exist? Will the truth be that which will always be suppressed until all we know is lies and deceit and we don't know who the hell we really are or where we really live? Am I the only one who is terrified of that? Self confinement could very well be the result of being the exception to the rule. There are so many ways to be self confined and depression is a big part of that. We live in a society of constant competition and you're either playing the game or you're not. Most of us play and those who don't play are in the minority and are considered different. It's very hard to admit that you have bouts of depression to anyone without feeling like they're never going to talk to you again. No one generally wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time. The thing is, for me personally, when I talk about my depression it helps me understand my psyche better. All my life I've been considered weird, different, awkward, not of the pack, etc. I've always felt that I could never fully connect with anyone else because I wasn't like everyone else. I really try to connect, but I find myself acting to fit in and it exhausts me. Not that I don't want to connect with anyone, I just question why I have to put on a dog and pony show for someone to feel like they can be around me. Am I the only one, world? I lied to myself about who I was for years and that was a big part of my problem.

So I resort to self confinement sporadically throughout the year. Mostly because of depression. It's a slippery slope because you start thinking about ALL the things that are wrong with you and you beat yourself up for a day or sometimes even longer. You hate yourself and you listen to melancholy music and try to understand why you aren't like most people. It's incredibly paralyzing. It's a self hating festival of epic proportions and it can cause you to disconnect from the human experience. It's paramount all over our globe and acts as a mental thief in the night. Once you're in that mindset, you're in it. It's a state of mind but the problem is you can't get out of it alone which is why you have people who ultimately kill themselves because they can't take the oppression, the hurt, the insignificance, the indifference, the ridicule, the embarrassment, etc. You confine yourself because you don't think you have what it takes to make it or to do anything. What makes you so special, you ask. You can confine yourself for a multitude of reasons and its a very sad thing that occurs. Why? You actually believe all the limiting things you say about yourself. You're emotionally cutting yourself with words. Words that the "other you" is saying to you.

You mostly feel alone and misunderstood and you're constantly clashing with people because you're in an emotional state of flux and sometimes you do things that hurt someone else's feelings. Not on purpose, it's just something you can't control and so you have people walking around hating you because you "did them wrong" which in turn induces more self hating because now you feel like a horrible person. Anything can set it off. Most of my life has been one big misunderstanding. People don't get me and it has caused me to be insecure for most of my life. However, do any one of use really get the other? I recently met someone who has moments of self confinement like me and we had a lot of the same reasons of why we get depressed. Mind you, I've talked to other people with depression and most of their problems are surface material. Nothing deep and layered. I was taken aback and was glad that there was someone else who had those similar feelings. Yet at the same time I questioned if I was latching on to someone else with the same issues because I was lonely and scared of the new transition I'm going through right now. Certainly that's not the case but sitting in your apartment all day cuts you off from the outside world and your mind creates these theories of how things work and most of the time it's complete paranoia. Who needs these thoughts?

Most of us are suppressed because of our situation in life. We can't do what we really want to do because we're lacking something that would enable us to do so. It's a really tough situation especially when it feels like there's no hope. It would seem to most of us that life is a continuous battle for happiness. Then you see how the other half lives and how 90 percent of their lives is happy and you wonder, how is it that they are happy and I'm not? Money is a big factor of happiness and people who have it generally aren't confined by a money driven world. They can do whatever they want and not be suppressed so of course they're going to be more happy than most. They are mostly suppressed in other ways, whether it's social status, tradition, etc. Those of us who don't have a pot to piss in are financially suppressed so our dreams and goals can't be realized until we achieve some sort of stability. However, the problem with us dreamers and progressive thinkers is that we don't want to be trapped in a cubicle or anything corporate to get that stability. We want to be able to be free. We want to be able to make money while going after what we want and most corporate jobs don't allow flexibility. They want us to be a cog in their machine and care about their goal for some sort of domination over another company or companies. Like I said...competition. Money isn't everything, however, but it is everything to those who don't have it or who never had it. There is so many of us who play the lottery in hopes that that one ticket could be our golden ticket to the chocolate factory, so to speak. I don't even have to say that money is evil. For the most part it is because that's one of the things that people WILL die for.

So I ask you, world, when will we break free from confinement of any kind. When will we stop accepting what society wants for us and do what we really want to do? When will we stop torturing ourselves over our self worth in this life? Is money the end all, be all of life? If we don't have it, are we not worth anything? Our minds can be our worst enemy or our best friends...it's up to us to defeat the foes of our minds and allow ourselves to be confident and free from self confinement. It's just too bad that saying it and doing it are two different things.

So, world, when do we stop fighting our lives and start living them?

Sincerely From A Pure Place,

Correy Amon

The Forgiveness Of NYC

They say that a lot of people move to New York to be forgiven. I never understood what that meant for the longest time and I guess I was over thinking the statement because it's really quite simple. People, or I should say most people who are considered outcasts wherever they're from, migrate to either New York or Los Angeles to be forgiven for who they are as those are the two most liberal states in the United States. Most of us come from small towns or bad families so it's only natural for us to want to be somewhere where we are free, for the most part, to live our lives.

A lot of us, growing up, weren't popular or well liked because we were generally the ones who didn't say much and didn't follow the crowd, however, we secretly longed to be popular and well liked. High school is always the worst because those are very critical years. Anyone who survives high school deserves a fucking medal.

Here's the thing, we, the outcasts, spend our young years trying to fit in and be who we are and to be loved by others right? Well it confuses me that when we finally get to where we are accepted, we form the same exact "popular" group as was in high school and you basically become who you hated. It baffles me. Is that what we really want is to be the king and queen bee? Are we trying to relive our juvenile social status in our adult lives? Granted, you don't have to be friends with everybody but when someone kindly compliments you are says hi to you, you treat them like you were treated in high school by blowing them off or thinking you're better than them. New York is full of it and so is Los Angeles I have noticed.

It's really quite sad. You leave you're narrow minded surroundings to another more accepting city only to become what you hated in high school. No one realizes that they're doing that because social status is everything in both of these cities and it comes natural to people to "perform." I was one of those kids in high school, the social outcast. Everyone thought I was weird because I hardly ever talked. That's because when I did talk people would laugh because my voice is different. It's not like everyone else's. To this day I still have problems talking but fight through it. It happened EVERY single time I talked in school. When I opened my mouth, someone laughed. So I was trained not to talk. The thing is, I'm still that kid. I don't have the luxury of being of social status. I guess I lucked out again in my adult life. I say hi to people on Facebook or in person and I always get the shaft. I don't get it. I know you don't know me, but it's common courtesy to say hi back. I do it all the time. Maybe I'm the only one who still says hi to strangers out of kindness. People have this attitude in New York that if they don't know you, they won't talk to you. It's so high school.

Are they forgiven? Yes. Only now they are what they've always wanted to be. The jocks and the cheerleaders in high school. I guess I just wasn't meant to fit in anywhere. I'm my own social life. I don't understand what it is about me that turns people off. I'm a nice guy if you get to know me. Maybe that's the problem. People like to be around mean people I guess. Maybe there's still that kid inside me that wants to fit in but once again, isn't. It's amazing how the tables turn. Those who didn't have power, now have it, only I missed the memo and am reliving high school all over again in my adult life. I love the arts and I love the people who are associated with the arts because they're amazing people. Maybe I'm just not "deep" enough for them or something or I just don't "get it". What is there to get? I'm not down about it because I love being me and I have amazing friends. I just wish I could have more of a variety of friends and not feel like I have to impress you for you to talk to me.

Is that what you really wanted? To be loved and desired like your peers in school? If I'm not wearing designer duds does that make me an outcast? At this point, I'm going to do me and New York gives me the opportunity to do that regardless of the glitterati. Social status is a state of mind and most people feed off of it like the last loaf of bread. Name dropping and partying every chance they get. Not me. I don't have to say someone else's name to feel relevant. Just want people to realize that they are better than that. You may not think you're doing it but you are. Subconsciously you are. There's a part of you deep down inside. The little boy or girl in the back of the classroom that is loving that they are finally "popular". Whatever that means nowadays.

Live thirsty my friends...

Settling or Laziness?

Today I had a thought. I was sitting at work for training and the trainer had asked us to introduce ourselves to everyone and I was mortified. However, when I was listening to everyone's story and where they came from, I couldn't help but feel alienated. Was I the only one who had a dream of being bigger than this? Everyone had practical dreams of what they wanted to do and how far they wanted to go with the company and I was perplexed. Not because I think everyone should have the same dream I have, but because it just didn't seem like it was something they really wanted. I wondered...are we settling for life as it is or are we just too lazy to actually fight for what we want?