Transition

This summer I had the privilege of learning a very HARD lesson.

I say that it was a privilege because, despite everything bad that occurred, it was the single most eye opening experience of my life to date. It took me a long time to see that it was a privilege though and most of that has to do with the fact that my life is in a state of transition. When you're going through a transition in your life and you're in uncharted waters and you don't know what the hell is coming next, you're basically in a grey area and you're at your most unstable. Therefore, you're bound to be, GASP, unsure of your life and confused and perhaps emotional because you don't know what your life is at that moment so you're vulnerable to any sort of person, place, or perhaps thing that comes into your life.

I think everyone goes through a transition in their late twenties and I'm certainly no exception. You're going into another decade so it's only natural for you to be in that area of "what happens next". There are different periods in your life where these transitions will occur and most of them are on the eve of another decade of your life. However, it is virtually impossible for anyone who is yet to hit where you are or who has already past you to fully understand YOUR journey. They will try and they WILL fail as I have learned very brutally this summer. I have had a lot of experience with people who are older than me because I used to think that I had more in common with them because I have an old soul. I think that people who are older are fascinating because they've already been through a few transitions in their lives so they already know how THEY want to live their lives and how they view the world because they have more experience behind them. The advantage to that is, there are certain things in life that they can give you advice on because there are those things that happen in our lives that are universal and advice from anyone can help you. The disadvantage is, they feel because they are older, that us young people are stupid and don't know anything about life and they know everything and they're always right and we are always wrong because we're inexperienced. It's a huge pet peeve of mine because I really feel that no matter how old you are, you are always learning and there are still things that a 50 year old doesn't know that a 20 or 30 year old would know. I've even been called stupid, among other things, that I didn't deserve. I've been verbally abused very harshly by older people more than I'd like to admit and it has taught me a hard lesson that I'm very thankful for. Words are very powerful and if you heard some of the things that were said to me, because of a slight misunderstanding, you would really wonder how I got through it. It's really quite funny when two unstable people are at each others throats. That's never a good thing. When there are two people who are going through a transition at the same time, not one is going to understand what the other is going through and you shouldn't expect it. I've been accused of SO many things this summer that, even despite my oath of emancipating myself from drama, made me cry because I felt like the most horrible person on the planet. I felt like I had to explain myself to people...BIG MISTAKE. I was sucked into the drama because I felt like I had to defend the accusations that were being thrown at me...BIG MISTAKE. You can't reason with people who already have their minds made up about who you are. It's a bloody dead end and you'll be stuck there...FOREVER. You know what's funny is when they don't even know you well enough to make a character assault on you.

I've been accused of being selfish, of wanting what I want and not caring about anyone else, "acting" emotional, being dramatic, being vindictive, posting subliminal hurtful Facebook status updates (seriously?) etc. I've been called stupid, lazy, and a liar and the list does not end there. That's the PG version. Mind you, I only made matters worse when I was trying to defend myself against these accusations and that's how the drama seeped back into my life. I was SO mad at myself after it was all said and done. This is where the transition comes in. I've spent most of my life doing for others and not doing for myself. I gave and gave and gave and that's why I haven't gotten anywhere in my life because I was spending too much time doing what others wanted me to do and I was more than happy to oblige because I truly love giving. When I moved to New York, I thought to myself, I finally get to do something for myself. So when I got called selfish this summer by a few people it really hurt my heart because I don't have a selfish bone in my body. It seriously made me question who I was because I figured if three people tell me that then it must be true. If there was any trace of selfishness, it was coming from me wanting to finally do for myself after ALL these years. I moved to New York for me, not anyone else and I thought to myself recently that I know who I am and I don't need these people telling me who I am because they don't know me. They think they do but they don't. Now, riddle me this, if someone calls you asking if a Facebook status is about them, when clearly it isn't, aren't you making that about you? Isn't that selfish? I'm not gonna lie, there have been times when I was VERY upset with someone and I tweeted about it but I never named names and it was never direct. I own up to that. It's Facebook people...it doesn't mean anything and it really bothers me that people take status updates SO seriously. I made a HUGE mistake in letting those hurtful words in and define me. It was oppression at it's finest because I was being talked down to like a piece of trash. Being judged with words is not fun and I don't wish that on anybody. It's a very hurtful thing to do to someone because you never know if that person is stable enough to handle it. Then when someone kills themselves they want to be sorry after you basically pushed them off a cliff with your evil and hurtful words. I just don't understand how anyone can say all of those things about me. I'm not that guy. I was raised to treat people with respect. I'm not in the business of oppression.

The thing is, we all think differently and we have different ways of doing things. When you're in transition, you tend to be a little selfish because you really want your life in order. It has nothing to do with anyone, but people have the tendency to make it about them when you mean no harm nor ill will. I made it a point this summer to balance the two. I told myself that I would try to cater to others while catering to myself but it blew up in my face I think. I can't win for losing it seems. That's the thing, when you're unstable there's no possible way you can accommodate anyone else in your life and you have to focus on YOU and you only. I had people this summer make me feel bad about wanting that. In transition you're going to hurt people without meaning to. It amazes me how you can meet someone who is the kindest person you've ever met and in the blink of an eye can turn into a mean selfish person and then treat you like complete shit, like you're not even a person. Those people would probably read this and think I'm playing the victim right now. Let them think that, after all, I'm such a bad person. I learned a lesson and I'm not going to let them have the last word on who I am. This isn't a slander piece. I'm not naming names. That's sloppy to me. This is what I've learned and I've learned that I can't keep worrying about what people think of me. I've done nothing but try to be civil and try to ease things but it's like these people want a fight and they keep pushing my buttons and then I give them just want they want by acting a damn fool and stooping to their level. One of the most common things is the "remember what you said" game. I have the memory of an elephant. Anyone will tell you. People in my family often use me as a point of reference for a lot of things. Especially with movies, names of actors, directors, etc. I retain information in my brain and it stays there. I was a spelling bee champ. I'm a great test taker. That's why I was such a great personal assistant. So, when older people who think I'm stupid say to me that they didn't say something when I know for a fact that they did it's frustrating. I always remember what people say to me. ALWAYS. So I get into it with them about that. NO MORE. As long as I keep suppressing myself on the basis of other people, then I will never move forward in my life. It used to bother me senseless that there were ever people out in the world who were walking around hating me and telling people about this guy who "did them wrong" when clearly it was the other way around. I'm not in the business of screwing people over...it's a waste of time. I have a life to live and since my mind wasn't fully in the game this summer...I struck out because I was distracted with dramatic bullshit.

I can't please everyone and Lord knows this summer I kept trying to do that because I was basically defending my character all summer to people and it has drained me so much that I don't have it in me to fight anymore. I just want to move on with my life. I don't care about all of that trivial bullshit. I don't like being accused. I HATE it. The idea of someone saying things about me that are not true send me off the deep end. I get angry and I wanna defend myself and prove to them that it's not me. I really have to have self control about it now because I always have this need to defend myself when it's not even worth it. I learned that the other night when I was defending myself to my mom about the smallest thing. My mom told me that it was fine and that it wasn't a big deal and then that's when I had an "a ha" moment so to speak. I caught myself being a defense attorney. I have to stop doing that because it only makes the hole bigger. I can't prove anything to anyone, it's useless. I'm not perfect and I'm certainly not trying to be. I'm gonna own up to the fact that I don't have my shit together. Yeah, some consider this late in the game when most people my age or younger are already in their careers and doing well for themselves and I'm still figuring it out. I can't be ashamed about that anymore. I can't compare myself to other people anymore. I'm Correy and I'm going through a change in my life right now.

Being in transition means that you have to really focus on yourself because if you let someone come in and distract you, you'll fuck it up and you'll spend the next decade in the same place you were because you never moved on. You're gonna be accused of things and you're gonna be considered a fuck up because you don't have your life together "like everybody else". Some of us have to learn lessons like this in order for us to become better people and I'm glad that it's happening now while I'm unstable and vulnerable. You can't explain who you are when you're going through a life change. If you try you'll just look like a fool and I looked like a huge fucking fool this summer. I indulged in drama and it's my own fault. All I can do now is have self control and watch who I let into my life from now on.

So I urge all of you to do the same, if you haven't already. I still have mad respect and love for those people who are no longer in my life and this isn't one of those "I wish them the best" phony speeches. I really do hope they will prosper in their lives because no matter what happened between us, at one point we were great friends and we had good times and for that I'm thankful for. For so long I have indulged in this "I have to defend myself" shit and FINALLY I learned a lesson that made me sit the fuck down and shut my mouth. Say what you want...I know who I am and I am who I am...

luv u

C